Thursday, January 29, 2015

Seeking the Journey

I was headed to another interview with a recruiter yesterday.  Wondering if maybe I would hear something after this one.  Maybe she would have some answers, some guidance, some direction about that perfect job opening.

While I was making the trek from my neck of the woods to downtown Dallas, I was talking to my mom on the phone.  We discussed our similar places in life right now: feeling itchy that something is on the horizon yet not knowing what that is or what lies ahead for us, specifically in regards to employment.

She shared with me that sometimes she finds herself focusing on the end result; looking at all that is happening through the lens of that next event or the goal at the end of the process.  And that spoke to me.  The planner in me struggles when I don't know where I will land, or even feeling uncertain of where I am heading, and what life will look like for me and my family.

I find my heart longing for the destination.

I wrestled with myself again this morning to stop doing laundry...to stop trolling Facebook... to stop and just be still.  And quiet.  I opened my Bible and continued in the gospels, picking up when John talks with the pharisees, explaining to them that he is not the Messiah but he has seen Him.  The next day as Jesus passes by John and two disciples, they follow Him.  Jesus asks what they want, and they respond by asking Him where He is going.  Jesus does not answer them directly with his destination.  No.  He says, "Come, and you will see."

Boom.

I'm beginning to feel like Bruce Almighty, driving down the highway with the signs speaking directly to me:

"Walk with Me and all of that other stuff will fall into place."

"Enjoy the journey.  I'm with you."

"I got this, kid.  Let's take a stroll."

God, help my heart not to seek the "what" that lies ahead.  But to find life, peace, strength, and hope in the walk with You.  Oh, that my heart would long for the journey because that means I am walking side-by-side with You; that means you are holding my hand, walking ever so slightly ahead of me, leading me as I follow.


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Finding Favor?

In one of our recent Catalyst gatherings, JR. was talking about spending time reading the Bible - not as a checklist of something we have to do to stay in good graces with God, but to really get to know Him.  And a great place to do that is with the gospels.

I admit, this is such a struggle for me.  This morning I dropped the boys off at daycare, and I got back home and was all set to start tackling my to-do list for the morning.  I remembered JR.'s words and remembered it's all about relationship.  Spending time with the Creator, with the One who loves me so completely and thoroughly.  I put down the cup I had in my hand and decided the dishwasher could definitely wait.

So, I cracked opened a new version of the Bible I haven't explored much yet called "The Story." It is set up in novel-form, and, for some odd reason, the layout is just so appealing to me.  I found the beginning of the New Testament and began reading.  I was reading about the true light that has come into the world - but that the world didn't recognize its true light - its maker.  Yes, still so very true for us today!

But what struck me most was a phrase the angel Gabriel says to Mary when he's telling her the big news that she would become pregnant with the Son of God:

"Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God."

Hmm... what would this "favor" look like for Mary's life?  Pregnant and unmarried... The center of vicious rumors and gossip... Shouldering the weight of knowing that your precious Son would be sentenced to death.  What God was asking of Mary makes sense that she would be afraid - completely and utterly afraid.  To say it would be extremely difficult to see the good side of God's favor in Mary's situation would be an extreme understatement.

But what did she do next?  When the angel leaves her, Mary's response is to thank God.

What?!

She is rejoicing and praising God: "for the Mighty One has done great things for me - holy is His name."

Wow.

God, help me to realize - and be okay with knowing - that finding favor with You will not mean life is easy or comfortable.  As we see in the life of Mary - and in Jesus' time on earth - following You will definitely lead to scary situations and crazy-difficult paths.  But You are with us.  May I, like Mary, have a spirit that is thankful for Your favor.  May I have eyes to see Your goodness and Your light in the midst of every situation, grateful - and humbled - when You choose to use me.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Kidless and Reflecting

Man, this has been an incredible month.

As I finished up my Master's Program mid-December, I have become reacquainted with the silly, more carefree part of myself.  I know Jonathan and the boys are certainly thankful for that.  I have enjoyed sitting on the floor playing with the boys and evenings filled with relaxation instead of paper-writing.

About the same time I turned in my last assignments, we packed up and went to Florida to visit Jonathan's family.  That was two weeks slammed full of family, fun, laughs, and incredible memory-making experiences.  We had a lot to celebrate with family. Martha, Jonathan's mom, was cancer-free and also celebrating a milestone Birthday!  So we headed to Disney to celebrate.  We all had so much fun during our day at the Magic Kingdom.  Both boys loved every minute - and we even made it through without a single meltdown.  What?!  

After Disney, we started on the Grandparents' tour: we visited my grandparents and two sets of Jonathan's grandparents - all living in Florida - in two days.  It was so wonderful hugging their necks and spending precious moments together.

We also got to spend some warm moments together with the Lowrys.  What a beautiful place they have - lots of wide open space!  And, man, those kiddos have both grown a foot!  The boys loved seeing the chickens, and Jacob even got to ride a horse; we tried to get Zeke to ride but he wasn't too sure about that big "puppy"... Sweet moments together.

Jacob also got to stay in Florida an extra week.  They made the most of every moment, visiting the zoo, the beach twice, and the Children's Hands-on Museum.

This week the boys both started going to daycare full-time.  This has been a piece of my returning-to-work puzzle that fell into place beautifully and effortlessly.  Jacob has been going to Mother's Day Out with an in-home care provider for two years (since I started my Master's program).  This has been great for him and our family.  It has allowed me to have some quiet moments to work, and has been especially nice to steal some special one-on-one moments with Zekers.  Jacob has loved going to Ms. Jennifer's!  From the moment I met her and walked into her home, I knew I couldn't ask for a more caring and safe learning environment for Jacob.  So, as my Master's program was winding down and returning to work was on the horizon, I was hoping she would have availability to start both boys full-time in January.  At the time I asked she didn't have any vacancies for full-time care.  Wouldn't you know, though, that shortly thereafter, she had an opening - at just the right time - for the boys to start the first week of January.  All of this has certainly eased the sting of missing my boys and feels like confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction.

Monday after dropping the boys off, I sat down with my To-Do List and mapped out a plan of attack.  I wanted to get as much done as possible this week in hopes that I can hit the ground running when I find a job.  It's amazing how much I can tackle when I have free hands and a quiet house.  But, boy, I am ready for 5:00pm when I can squeeze my sweet babies!!

So, here I am, striving to live in the excitement of change.  Not sure what the future will be like; not sure where I will land.  Praying that God would be clear so I can be obedient.  And resting in peace, knowing that the Maker of the Universe who loves us so much, came for us and is with us.