Monday, December 20, 2010

...and counting

Me feeling very grateful, outline style*
  1. Family: J, thank you for making that 6-hr stretch of sleep last night amazing! For my Christmas wish from last year that I now get to hold in my arms! I can't imagine life without my lil j. For wonderful parents on both sides - looking forward to our trip to Florida and still floating from a great trip to Iowa over Thanksgiving. For an awesome sister and brother and LOVE the time I got to spend with my Abigail, Isaiah, and Isaac today!
  2. Catrow family: for the generosity we've felt not only in the Christmas gifts we received yesterday, but in the love and support we experience all the time as we live life together.
  3. Perspective: for seeing life through new lenses as a parent. For feeling a new connection with God, a greater understanding of the unbelievable sacrifice He made in giving His Son, for the humility Christ exuded coming as a baby (dare I say poopy diapers and spit-up?) and a new and utter dependence on the Spirit.
  4. God's provision: time and time again. For being reminded that if all else crumbles, He is enough (check out - yesterday's talk).
  5. Sweets: i.e. cookies, ice cream, chocolate-dipped pretzels. Quite less important, yes... but I am oh, so thankful :)
  6. Awesome Memories: both recent (can I say diaper blow-out in Jason's Deli - thanks Mom!) and not-so recent (the year Meme saved Christmas**)
*Dear reader: the type A inside of me is very disappointed that I could not create subtopics within my outline.
**The condensed version: As a rather inquisitive 6th-grader, I knew where my parents had my presents stowed, ready for the wrapping = in the trunk of our car, begging for me to sneak a peek. Mom and Dad were snoozing in bed. The keys sat on their bedroom chest of drawers, right inside their door. Quietly and stealthily, I snatched the keys, scampered to the garage, popped the trunk, detected the outline to a porcelain doll box, closed the trunk and headed back inside. I opened the bedroom door and placed the keys back on the dresser, not as quietly this time. My ninja card was revoked as Dad's eyes were suddenly open. Fast Mom is calling her upset and ready to return all my gifts. Meme talks her down. Mom doesn't take the presents back, I get to open my doll (and actually see what she looks like), and Christmas is saved. Hence, the year Meme saved Christmas.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Just Rest

So many are blogging now... why shouldn't I start? I love to write... always have... but just haven't taken the time to do it or set it as a priority. Now, I'm skeptical that this is something I'll stick with. It's just been a pattern for me in lots of different areas (working out, journaling, eating right, etc.). I start off so gung-ho, and then life happens over time... I have good intentions right now though, so let's go with it! :)

Sunday morning I was getting ready to go to Catalyst (short plug...check it out... and just felt overwhelmed by the feeling that I haven't been spending much time with God. I can think of many reasons why not... but can't everyone? I don't want this to be one of my patterns of living as previously mentioned. More than ever I need to be tight with God... I need Him to be my life source. So my prayer Sunday morning was, "God, can You make an exception? Can you let your still, small voice be a little louder...I need and want to be reminded when I become blinded by my distractions that You are my life-source."

So this week I've been discovering again what it feels like to be up constantly in the middle of the night. Lil J is growing - which is exactly how we want it! - and has had issues with his little digestive system which has made him not able to relax and sleep as well as usual. He used to LOVE being swaddled and would drop right off and stay fast asleep. Not so much lately! He is so restless, kicking and constantly moving and fighting sleep like crazy! And just forget the swaddle It has served to only make him really mad! Last night was one of the especially difficult nights of not getting more than 1 1/2 hours of sleep at one stretch. So this morning I give him a bath - he was nice and relaxed - and goes down for a nap so easily. Huge smiley face! And I'm thinking, "Great! What do I need to hurry and get done while he's sleeping? The laundry strewn all over the living room? Clean my bathroom? Take a shower?" And I walk past the desk where my journal is sitting and hear the a-little-bit-louder, still, small voice telling me to sit down for a minute. "But, God! Do you not see the he puffs of Tiger-hair sitting in the corners of the floor? The shopping I need to get done?" I feel Him reminding me of Sunday and how I cried out to Him.

I sit down at the kitchen table and begin journaling. I realize it's been probably close to 3 months since I've written much about my thoughts and where I'm at. I start writing that I worry that I'm not doing enough. I'm not being social enough...not meeting up with enough people like I thought I would and should...not having people in our home enough. I'm not able to stay on top of everything like I would like. And it has really bothered me. When asked last night what was for dinner (at dinnertime) and having nothing for a response, I felt as though I wasn't doing my "job"...I had failed. This way of thinking is a pattern for me. And unfortunately I'm really good at keeping up with!

I put my pen down. I close my eyes and visualize my son...

kicking...squirming...fighting his exhaustion.

He can't relax. And I realize,

I am just like him.

Then I felt God holding me like a young child. He's so calm. So patient. So quiet. He put His hand to my head so that it would rest His stop my kicking and squirming and fighting. "Shhhh. Just rest. Live life right here," I felt Him say as we rocked back and forth.

"Just rest."